Strippers in the Making: Or, Why Kid Nation is Making Me Fear for our Future

Ugh... I hate people.

And I really dislike children. Say what you will about being bitter or insensitive, or quote Whitney Houston all you want, children really drive me up the wall. I am sure that when it comes to my own- actually, if it comes to my own- I will have some sort of maternal instinct which will make them tolerable; however, as of right now they simply annoy me.

Hence the reason I'm not going into social work.

Have any of you managed to suffer through this new CBS drama, Kid Nation? If this is a direct link to the future of our nation, I might as well off myself now and be done with it. For those of you not in the know, let me give you a brief synopsis.

CBS has brilliantly decided that it would be better, rather than exploiting consenting adults on reality television for monetary gain, to allow consenting parents to exploit their children on television for monetary gain. Recently, an article on The Smoking Gun provided a liability waiver requiring signature by the parents which relieves CBS from any lawsuits if the children suffer any injuries, death, or sexually transmitted diseases while taping the series. I shit you not. This is a town composed of forty children, ranging in ages from eight to fifteen, and you have to sign an STD waiver? My faith in humanity is exponentially increased, let me tell you.

So, along the way the children must create a working town by assigning jobs, actually completing these jobs (no thanks to that cunt Taylor- I'll get to her later), establishing some form of law and order, and competing for "class status," ranging from laborers, making ten cents for doing janitorial work, and the upper class, who receive a dollar for doing absolutely nothing.

Wow. This is really teaching our children great values. Really. Not helping the situation is the token Jewish kid, Jared, who, upon his groups entry into the upper class, goes on a slight tirade during an interview about how much he loves money. Thanks, Jared's parents, for perpetuating a stereotype in your children that I must continually face. The Jewish community applauds you.

In the first episode, one child, upon being placed in the lower class and realizing she doesn't have enough money to afford a bicycle, resorts to dancing in the street for money. Ten to one she's on the pole in six years.

And then, there's Taylor.

Taylor, Taylor... you little cunt.

Is it wrong to call a small child a cunt? I don't really care at this point. I have the overwhelming urge to bitch slap this child across the face, as she represents everything I dislike about humanity.

First of, she's a pageant queen. This alone gives her an unabashed sense of entitlement and egomaniacle attitude, probably attributed to her fat mother's issues with her own appearance and her need to live vicariously through her children. Pageant kids are just weird, and I seriously believe it's a form of child abuse. Have you seen some of these pageants? Little tiny children are dressing up in less clothes than strippers, dancing provocatively around for adult male judges, whoring themselves out with enough makeup and hairspray to make Tammy Faye jealous- it's sick. It freaks me out. Not only that, but it's perpetuating a stereotype that external beauty is the only attribute that matters, which is probably why Taylor is such a disrespectful little bitch.

Her favorite phrase? "Deal with it."

For example: Taylor is supposed to be working in the kitchen. Where is she? Hanging out in the bunks with her little posse of less attractive girls who think hanging out with her will make them cool by association. When someone stops by to ask her to please do her job, she says "deal with it."

When the other kids complain that her group (as she is the "council leader" for her team) isn't pulling her own weight, what does she say? "Deal with it." Also, she's been known to say that "pageant girls don't clean dirty dishes." And channeling Marie Antoinette, she's said "well, ya'll are just going to starve." Really nice girl, here. Miss Congeniality, anyone?

I hope her parents watch the show. I hope they realize what a monster they're creating. I hope it embarrasses them to know their daughter acts like a pompous spoiled egotistical brat around other people. I hope they are ashamed. Otherwise, one Taylor grows up and realizes the world doesn't function like pageants, her parents are going to be in a world of shit. Daddy's little pageant queen, suffering from an overwhelming sense of insecurity and a fragile ego will start searching out validation wherever she can find it. My prediction: she'll end up pregnant by fifteen, dropping out of high school, and either ending up on the pole or getting fat and coaching cheerleading.

Either way she'll still be a bitch.